Coldplay’s Best Defense Against Satriani (If I Was Their Lawyer They Would Win)

Perhaps you have heard that sore loser Joe Satriani has sued Coldplay, asserting they stole their song “Viva La Vida” from his royal show-offness. Today, Coldplay denied Satch’s allegations that they ever would listen to his guitar wankery (I mean, these guys hang with Eno, they got no time for guitar masturbation albums, when they could be listening to the guitar solo in “Baby’s On Fire”), in a Federal Court. While I think the Players will easily win this case, I have outlined how the Defense could make this court case the first case won solely by YouTube testimony. Follow me to the jump and I will put on my worst fitting suit and make my case!

Your honor, the Prosecution has had you watch the above video, the one this whole stupid lawsuit is based on. You may think it’s similar or you may not. Whether you think its similar or not, that is not the question. There has been too much music written for songs to not be similar! With the insane amounts of music that have come out over the years, it is officially impossible to not have some of your works be similar to others. According to the website Top Ten Reviews, in 1965 there were 208 albums
released where as in 2008 there were approximately 37,000 albums
released. This makes it impossible for some songs to not have similarities to others. Besides, stealing LITTLE things from other songs has long been how most great songwriters have worked. Now that we have established this, I would like to bring my first witness to the stand, a very douchebaggy-looking singer by the name of Gunther (I am hoping he has no prior arrests for “Roofieing chicks”, but maybe I am judging the book by its cover):

Your honor, I apologize for Gunther’s outburst, I had no idea he would say things like “Oh La La, Teeny Weeny String Bikini”, please forgive me and allow me to bring a more presentable witness to the stand, one by the name of Andrew of the Brooklyn band Creaky Boards, a man who claims Chris Martin attended a concert of his and subsequently ripped off his track, which also seems a bit more similar then the defense’s claim, who by the way is a lunatic who claims to go around SURFING WITH ALIENS:

Ouch, geez. Well your honor as you can see, maybe someone else has greater ground for a lawsuit. I mean errr, let me bring my third witness to the stand, an opportunistic YouTube kid showing how far off someone can copy a song and steal a little bit of it and fall flat on it’s face and be an absolutely terrible song.

As you can see your honor, anyone can copy a riff and have the song not work as a whole, you will constantly hear melodies share similarities. There is a reason we only hear excerpts of each of these songs! It is because what makes Coldplay’s song special and the rest of these songs not so special, is THE COMPOSITION OF THE WHOLE SONG. Coldplay is able to not drop the ball and create a cohesive song that works, without ripping off these artists as a whole. What makes these Coldplay songs is not the dozen bars that are similar to a bunch of other songs, it is their composition as a whole which they did not steal from any of the above witnesses. I enter the following pieces of evidence:

Exhibit A: Creaky Boards “The Songs I Didn’t Write”
(The irony is barely enough to take I know)
Exhibit B: Joe Satriani “If I Could Fly”

When you listen to these songs as a whole, you realize why you have only heard a few bars of them on all these YouTube videos. As a whole they do not resemble what their detractors claim Coldplay has stolen.

Well your honor, with that I rest my case! OH NO!!!!! You have subpeonad Chris Martin’s appearance on The Hour. Your honor, my client takes the Fifth on the ground he DEFINITELY incriminates himself with what he says around 3 minutes into this YouTube!

Jesse Cannon is the editor of Musformation. He produces records at his studio Cannon Found Soundation. Follow him on Twitter at @JesseCannonMusF. For more info please visit his website.

  • Tanner High

    Great post. A shame that it wasn’t seen by more of Satriani’s butt hurt fans.